20 Best Captain Holt Quotes From Brooklyn Nine-Nine

There are many fascinating aspects to Captain Raymond Holt’s character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Between his near robotic enjoyment of things and the clear-cut efficiency he runs the Nine-Nine with, one might think that Holt experiences no joy.

But there’s so much more to the Captain than what one sees at first glance. He has genuine respect for his detectives and cares about all of them. He also has a scathing and dry wit. When mixed with his somewhat emotionless outlook on life, it often gives him some of the best one-liners and quotes from the show. Here then, are some of the best Captain Holt quotes from the show!

Updated on April 1st, 2021 by Scoot Allan: Following the series’ shortest season, Brooklyn Nine-Nine was canceled by NBC after it was saved from a prior cancelation on Fox. This brings an end to the long-running police procedural comedy that was filled with memorable characters, including precinct captain Raymond Holt. Captain Holt (played perfectly by Andre Braugher0 is one of the most hilarious characters on the show despite his seemingly uncomedic attitude. While the cancelation of the series is sad, fans still have eight seasons of Holt’s best quotes to enjoy, which we’ll be exploring a bit further today.

“Now You’ve Done It. You’ve Made Me Turn My Chair.”

Captain Holt takes his responsibilities with the 99 very seriously, as he takes almost every single thing in his life, so when Amy Santiago was struggling with the decision to run for Union Representative, he was unable to involve himself.

Even when the discussion turned into an argument in his office, he tried to turn his chair to avoid talking about it, but he has limits. The argument was ended abruptly when he turned his chair in a moment that was both dramatic and hilarious.

“The Statistical Analysis, It’s So Beautiful.”

Fans learned over eight seasons that Raymond Holt is a man who appreciates the finer things in life and culture, though he also revealed to Terry Jeffords that his favorite movie was 2011’s Moneyball starring Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill.

While there are many reasons the Oscar-nominated film could be his favorite, like the brilliant performances or the fantastic screenplay, a flashback to Holt’s incredibly emotional viewing of Moneyball in a theater revealed that his love for the film was due to the statistical analysis used in the movie, which brought him to tears.

“I Did Mean Woke. But It’s Grammatically Incorrect.”

One of Captain Holt’s many admirable traits is his strict adherence to proper grammar, which sometimes comes at the cost of popular sayings that he poorly parapharases during meetings with his detective squad.

While he occasionally chooses to be grammatically incorrect to prove his point when needed, he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it when he stated that his former police colleagues “were not, as the kids say, awake.”

“When People Say ‘What’s Up?’ They Mean I Am A Person Not Worth Talking To.”

Captain Holt also has a few idiosyncratic opinions about everyday things like common greetings that both define his character and seperate him from the rest of the officers of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, which he demonstrated when he became Detective Santiago’s mentor and put her through a crash course of his teachings.

Holt’s thoughts on proper greetings stood out. “When people say, ‘Good morning,’ they mean, ‘Hello.’ When people say, ‘How are you?’ they mean, ‘Hello.'” However, if someone were to say the much more familiar and common ‘what’s up’ as a greeting instead, Holt was done with them regardless of thier potential value to the precinct.

“Everything Is Garbage. Never Love Anything.”

The third season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine saw Holt dealing with a change as he was promoted to the PR department due to his rivalry with Commissioner Madeline Wuntch, which puts Holt in a bit of a dark place when he’s asked to make a toast at his deceased replacement’s funeral.

After a few drinks, Holt began his speech strongly by declaring it as a “message of hope,” before he proceeded to vent his depressed feelings with an unforgettable speech about losing everything you care about, which even included Jeffords mango yogurt.

“BONE!”

Captain Holt’s relationship with his husband Kevin is one of the many great things Holt brings to the table in the show, and the more intimate side of their marriage brought about this hilarious Holt outburst.

After constantly arguing with Kevin over a math problem, Rosa tells Holt that he and Kevin simply have to ‘bone’ to which Holt replies with an angry montage of shouting the word hilariously.

“Oh, I’ve caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.”

If Holt has one weakness (besides his somewhat crippling gambling addiction), it’s his inability to handle complex emotional situations fully. Processing emotions seem to be somewhat outside of the Captain’s wheelhouse, and so he either shuts down or removes himself from the situation entirely.

While he has certainly grown since this quote got used in season one’s “The Bet,” Holt still tends to defer dealing with emotions to Sergeant Jeffords instead.

“Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?”

One of Holt’s most bitter rivals is Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch. Once close partners and colleagues, the two have been enemies for years now. The two exchange scathing and hate-filled comments back and forth whenever the two meet.

Dealing with Wuntch is one of the few times that Holt allows a more petty and vindictive nature to take hold of himself. She hasn’t been seen since season three’s “Oolong Slayer” episode, which means that Holt has been building up Wuntch insults for over four seasons now.

“Vindication!”

Holt is a character whose emotions are more often than not kept at a balanced, subdued level. However, when he gets passionate it is very often excellent, as was the case with his beloved balloon arch.

After making it for Rosa and Pimento’s wedding, Holt eventually has it kept in his office, proud of his work, and when Rose walks in, sees it, and compliments it, Holt lets out a big bellow of “vindication,” finally having his work appreciated.

“I have zero interest in food. If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely of flavorless beige smoothies containing all the nutrients required by the human animal.”

If there’s one thing that can be said about Holt, it’s that he knows what he likes. Anything overly ostentatious is beneath the Captain, who prefers plain and simple pleasures.

Whether it’s food, classical music, or racquetball with his husband Kevin, Holt is content.

“Hot Damn!”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine has so many fantastic openings to episodes; the “I Want It That Way” opening is nothing short of iconic, and this is another great one.

With Amy late for work, the gang gathers around and guesses what has gone wrong. When Amy arrives and announces there was a problem at the bank, proving Holt right, he lets out a rare bellow of joy with a hilarious “hot damn!”

“Wait a minute. This isn’t the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you’re not Cheddar. You’re just some common b****.”

Holt cares about two people more than anything; his husband Kevin, and their Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Cheddar.

His bluntness when showing that affection, however, often leads to an interesting declaration. When he is able to discern that an identical Corgi is not Cheddar, his blunt and simple takedown of the animal is classic Holt in his delivery.

“I only have one dream a year, always on Tax Day. In it, I must file an extension. So, yes, it is best not to have dreams.”

Dreams are a part of human existence and are natural to have and experience. Leave it to Holt, then, to only have one dream a year that is about doing taxes.

Only Holt would honestly consider giving up a freeing and normal experience because it feels excessive to him. It also showcases his somewhat constant inability to relate to what his detectives and officers experience and feel on a basic, human level.

“Apparently my husband Kevin has invited you all to my party. There’s very little street parking. No gifts. No singing of Happy Birthday. It should be fun.”

When Holt married Kevin, he found a perfect partner and husband. Both of them prefer simple and direct communication and know-how to make the other feel better. Both of their idea of a “good time” consists of things like Barrel Making Museum visits and going on long trips to get a particular slice of pie.

They are on the same wavelength, meaning that they know what the other likes and how they feel. Kevin knows that while Holt may not want the officers at his party, it would be good for him to have them appear.

“More importantly, Wuntch got served. Oh my god, Wuntch sounds like lunch. Oh, this opens up so many new avenues.”

Due to his somewhat narrow-minded focus, Holt often overlooks simple and more “human” elements of conversation.

When an individual like Wuntch is involved though, it causes him to lose that composure. Instead, he opens himself up to more childish and basic behavior, going to name-calling and petty insults.

“Oh, now, Stella, you know I’m still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a strong, female woman with nice, heavy breasts.”

If there’s one thing that mystifies Raymond Holt, it’s the female body. As an openly gay man for over forty years at this point, Holt has never had to lie or pretend about who he is. That changes when he is forced into deep undercover in Florida as a widowed straight man.

Given his lack of understanding about straight relationships, Holt’s understanding of male attraction to women typically boils down to one aspect; their breast size. While he’s intelligent in many areas, this is clearly one of the blind spots on Holt’s understanding of the world.

“Because No One Will Ever Believe You.”

Jake and Holt have a fantastic dynamic, and the way their relationship has grown since season one of the show has truly been a joy to watch. They have gotten to know each other very well, and Holt seems to understand how to set Jake off.

After the group try and guess how Holt hurt his wrist, Holt goes up to Jake and shows him evidence of Holt hula hooping, before deleting the pictures right in front of him. A fitting form of torture for Jake.

“Are you saying my life matters less because I don’t conform to society’s heteronormative, child-centric ideals?” “Yas Queen.”

Holt is very rarely one to use anything but experience and skill as a metric to gauge someone’s character and ability. However, he is not above pulling rank on his officers and even occasionally pulling out the black or gay card to argue a point.

Holt’s character is usually never portrayed in the way most gay men are on television. But those brief moments where he engages in more “stereotypical” behavior make for shocking and hilarious moments on the show and add new layers to the stiff and reserved Captain.

“No. From Now On, Call Me … Velvet Thunder!”

Going back to another hilarious Holt and Jake moment, their relationship often sees Jake craving some badassery, action movie-esque moves from Holt, or do/say something cool to match Jake’s self-perceived personality, which comes here.

Not only does Holt refer to the helicopter as the chopper, much to Jake’s joy, but he gives himself a nickname, and in one of the show’s best deliveries ever, crowns himself “Velvet Thunder.”

“Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So thank you.”

Despite his more impersonal and professional demeanor, Holt still cares deeply about his detectives. When Terry is racially profiled by another officer, Holt is there to eventually back him up. When Jake, Amy, or Boyle do excellent work on a case, he will let them know he is proud of them.

And when Rosa comes out to her family and friends about being bisexual, Holt is there to offer her kind words of encouragement and support. The emotional outreach from Holt is rare, which makes it all the more meaningful when it happens.