Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is loaded with funny characters who are constantly dishing out loads of social satire, shocking insults and street-level wisdom. Many of them are quite hilarious, but lead protagonist Carl Johnson, aka CJ, might just be the funniest one of all.
Whether he’s hurling insults at the cops during a high speed chase, talking down his rivals, or poking fun at his friends, CJ has had quite a few funny lines over the course of the game. With characters like Big Smoke and Ryder in the mix, CJ certainly has some competition when it comes to delivering the laughs, but he holds his own.
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CJ Coins A Phrase
“Does The Pope S— In The Woods?”
Carl Johnson is undoubtedly one of the best characters introduced after Grand Theft Auto III, thanks to quotes like this one. He uses this rhetorical question several times throughout San Andreas, and it’s one of his funniest lines. From the exterior, the question appears to make little sense, but it’s actually a clever amalgamation of two separate references – bears and Catholicism.
The first question is “Does a bear s— in the woods?” The second is “Is the Pope Catholic?” The obvious answer to both questions is “Yes,” which makes CJ’s question a double-whammy. It’s his way of confirming the obvious.
A Classic CJ Insult
“Are You A Professional Moron, Or Just A Gifted Amateur?”
CJ had some pretty good burns in San Andreas, and this was one of his most clever. He’d make lesser comments similar to this one throughout the game, which was indicative of how much common sense he held within the context of his questionable lifestyle choices.
Plus, it’s a clever jab at the intended target. Either the person in question had worked really hard to be that stupid, or he was an amateur with an unbelievable stroke of luck to fall back on.
CJ Exaggerates
“Lady, I’m A God Fearin’, Peace Lovin’ Man Of The People!”
It’s safe to say that Cesar’s cousin Catalina was more than a handful, a fact CJ figured out within the first few seconds of meeting her. Their initial encounter began with her waving a pistol in CJ’s face, and threatening to kill him unless he revealed who he was.
CJ responded with this quote, which was an absolutely brazen lie, to say the least. Still, it was hilarious to hear CJ describe himself as a God-fearing pacifist with no ill intent, especially given all the mayhem he caused throughout San Andreas.
CJ Needs Catalina
“Baby, Without You There Is No Carl Johnson!”
Catalina is one of the best characters in Grand Theft Auto, and she makes a guest appearance in San Andreas as a brief love interest for CJ. His relationship with Catalina was the very definition of unstable, yet he was too afraid of her to cut ties on his own. She’d managed to instill so much fear in him that he felt he needed to appease her at every opportunity.
When CJ thought that Catalina was going to dump him, he ended up begging outside her door. This was one of the quotes he uttered, which was humorous, given the fact that he probably wanted to get away from her, just to relax for five seconds.
CJ Gives Some Advice
“Homey, What You On? Whatever It Is, You Need To Reduce The Dosage!”
Zee thought the sky was falling when an old rival named Berkley made an infamous return, and he took it a bit too strongly. CJ knew he was down when he showed up to meet him, with Zee proclaiming that life was “nothing but misery, briefly interspersed with agony.”
CJ responded with this funny quote in an attempt to get him to lighten up, to which Zee replied “I never take drugs. We all know drugs are for losers, and/or sex maniacs!” It was undoubtedly not the mental picture that CJ wanted to dwell on.
CJ Marvels At Zee’s Clothing
“Man, Them Some Pretty Strong Drawers!”
One of CJ’s funniest quotes occurred when he discovered Zee hung up by his underwear in a backroom closet by Berkley. After bursting out laughing at how hilarious Zee looked, CJ dropped this quip about his super-strong drawers that kept him suspended for so long. This kind of comedy is what made CJ such a likable Grand Theft Auto protagonist.
Zee’s humiliating reply was just as funny and typical of his character’s melodrama. To him, life was over (again), and he felt his only recourse was to seek out his own demise. Thankfully, CJ had a more constructive solution.
“When I Was A Kid Swimming Off The Santa Maria, I Once Got A Condom Stuck To My Face! Horror Like Stays With You For Life! Believe That!”
Wu Zi Mu ended up becoming one of Carl’s closest allies during the course of San Andreas, even if many of his missions were downright odd. One of them involved planting a bug on a boat sitting in a harbor, which would require CJ to flex his swimming skills.
When Wu Zi shared his fear of swimming in the water with CJ, he responded by sharing his own negative experience from childhood. For CJ to share such a traumatizing memory with Wu Zi was indicative of just how well the two got along.
CJ Doesn’t Like Being Chased
“Can’t You Chase A Dude Who Wanna’ Be Chased?”
CJ had plenty of shade to throw at the cops during hot pursuits, but this was one of his funniest and most bizarre sayings. It’s hard to picture anyone who would voluntarily wish to be chased down by the police, but CJ decided to try it anyway.
He drops this quote randomly when he has a one-star felony rating attached to him, which makes it rather benign and lighthearted compared to some of the other things he says as his felony rating increases.
CJ Knows His Rights
“Officer, Untie Me This Instant!”
Of all the things CJ yells at the police during the various pursuits that take place in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, this has to be one the funniest. It’s so far removed from his character that it becomes a parody unto itself, which might have been the point.
This quote triggers randomly when CJ is arrested with a large sum of money in the bank. His increased wealth probably changes his attitude when it comes to dealing with the cops, but it’s no less funny to hear a tried and true Grove Street gangster say it. It’s part of what made CJ one of the best playable Grand Theft Auto characters.